shamanic diary

Today my dear dear friend, and sister spirit Lizzie journeyed for me, did a spontaneous soul retrieval, and an illumination for me. 

This is the first time I've participated in any shamanic ritual and the lasting effects on my body and mind, perception and self-space lead me to believe that this is the right path for me, it is real (objectively so) and I need to pursue it. 

Right now, one and a half hours after the ritual. I feel slightly, still, not grounded, but in a positive sense. I feel my actions physically are considered. I notice every movement of my hands as I didn't before  and feel what I touch. My perceptions are heightened. 

Background noise has become more rhythmic, like music or a beat. Which connects to what Lizzie's wolf gave her whilst journeying. He gave her a bundle of sticks and told her I must beat it out of me, I must beat with sticks. Sticks, rhythm, play. 

I will write more later. I feel an elated sense of calm and wellbeing. Perhaps the little girl, the part of myself that has returned to me has given me back a sense of past comfort and well being. I hope I can hold on to this. 

Conversations always mine, you've been gone, a long time

I had a dream about you tonight, the first one in years. You were on my mind today. I was sat in the sun talking to a friend when I realized how much I hung on to the idea of you, locked away in a tiny dusty compartment of my brain for all that time. All that heartwrenching, timeconsuming futile longing. I loved others, more than I ever loved you more than I ever want to love you; but you still stick to the bottom of my brain like black gum. 

I had just seen Sonic Youth play. I was in a building that was theoretically a student union, to someone, somewhere. Then a lot of things happened and night transgressed into morning, and I was sitting upstairs in a concrete lobby, the sun was warming the ground and the walls and I hugged Margaret. Then, I saw you, walking across the street outside. I ran to the window and I swear down, true say, in my fucking DREAM my heart flew into my brain and then dropped into my shoes with that pain you get, pain from seeing a lost lover. Or a lover you never truly had if you really think about it. 

I made eye contact with you through a heat haze, a dream dust, and you slipped away. I saw you again, later. Your car was being towed. I didn't know much of what was going on, a mirror to the reality of you. 

I went downstairs. Or, rather I came to be downstairs in that dream manner of quick flashes like a scene change in a Cassavetes film (which is how I have to write about this nightmare, in quick flashes of perception and hurt). You were riding your bike. You were in disguise, wearing a big hat and flourescent sunglasses. Oh my goodness Mike, even in my dream you are a hipster. I see you ride past me and I only recognize you at the last minute, it's too late to stop you, you are hiding from me. Hiding like you did in the real-time-past-life from me, and Sam, and Allison. 

You ride past again and this time I am ready. I grab your legs and we go tumbling onto the heat-soaked dusty floor like casualties of gravity. You look at me and exclaim how THIN I am, how you can HARDLY RECOGNIZE ME. How beautiful my hair is. How you cannot be blamed, how you are the wolf spirit, the young wolf soul. 

I continue writing this dream three weeks later and all I can remember now is bitterness. Is it good to look back on dreams? I need hope to transcend bitterness, I need beauty to capitulate with uncertainty. I need...to be free?

It's Been A Crazy Week

'The first time your stained underwear was a reflection of a rational decision of pleasure badge':

 www.maryyaeger.com.

Take It Easy, Love EVERYTHING

'First with your hands, then with your mouth
A downpour of sweat, damp cotton clouds
I was a fool, you were my friend
We made it happen'

'Now I do as I please, try not to lie through my teeth
Someone might get hurt, but it won't be me
I should probably feel cheap, but I just feel free
And a little bit empty'

Except I'm no fool, doves. 

My roommate is listening to Womanizer. It's such a good song. If I could write a song it would sound just like that one but encapsulate that feeling you get before an orgasm, deep in your belly when the plane takes off and your body instinctively knows you are not on the ground anymore. I am ready to be liberated; I should probably feel cheap, but I just feel free, and a little bit empty. 

Oh, English men. You in particular have become really self aware. Your eyes became mirrors and I saw myself but with softer skin and extra super strength like you collected all the gold coins and used them to realise that you need to be constantly in love with everyone and everything, attached to nothing. Meaning for us seems to be in a constant state of flux. We talked a lot about honesty and the truth of our bodies.

My crazy ass porn star friend Ashley texted me about the feeling of walking home in the morning and knowing you will have to change your underwear today because you can feel the remnants of last night's sex dripping out of you. She called it a 'creampie'. My love for her knows no bounds. She belongs to Los Angeles, a side of it I never knew completely. A hundred and ten on the freeway when we were late to that party and your fucking menthols. Tattooed twenty three year olds, total 80s hair metal throwbacks with threesomes and your perfect body with the tattoo of your dead best friend on your back. I still remember her name even if I can't remember theirs. Mellie. That was the saddest story I ever heard. 

Things change quickly in LA: cliques grow tired, youth - old, fascination declines into stultifying, sulky boredom. Infatuations fade and love crumbles and friendships dissipate and you must always ebb and flow with the tide. If you can't, you should not be in the City of Angels. In all honesty the longer I stayed, the more I harbored the sneaking suspicion that no one really exists in this city where everything exists where even the road names are a postmodern microcosm of the world. No one really exists, until they have made it. Spiralling out of that centripetal force of success are merely hopefuls caught in a rip tide, trying to swim to the center and being carried further and further away, incidental to what drives LA, their only function to make the rest of us feel better about our lives, our modicum of achievement in a city of achievers.

Thinking of the other, eternal boy. My own internal narrative dissipates like the tendrils of curls against the nape of your neck that I simply like to press my mouth against. But you know, I love every single person I have ever been with in tiny compartments. Tiny brown wooden drawers that encapsulate brown paper packages tied up with a blend of hyperreality and soap bubbles with lucky strike smoke inside which make me smile, and make you wonder what would happen if I burst. 

On a perceived loss of something that maybe didn't exist except in hyperreality and slightly fuzzy longing.

"bob marley got shot twice but still got up to perform the next day

if he can do that

then you can stop worrying about it

how's about that!"

Ben McCann, 1.15am, 5/3/2009

And that, is all that will be said, about that.

I'm not pleading when I said I can't forget. PART 2.

Part 2:

The tab tastes sweet, the gummy picture of a rainbow dissolves stickily under my tongue and I beg for a sip of the bloody mary Sam is drinking out of a 7-11 big gulp cup. 'I aint got no input for you, sweet sensation' he says, quoting of all fucking people, Beck, and I wonder why today is the day for dead fuzzy lyrics exiting friend's mouths like cheap bass dirt from a $3.99 boom box.

He was born in the hotel on Rose, the one that wasn't really a hotel but a crackhouse with cracked lemon walls and peeling cream paint. The best thing he EVER EVER EVER said was when we were dumpster diving with some privileged UCLA girl slumming it:

"Your parents never hit you? Your mother played piano and your father was a painter? What? Your mother does yoga and your father plays golf? You don’t have to worry about your mother eating, your sister going to jail, your brother dying early? Huh, what the fu...

Yeah, fuck you. Here’s a bench full of blood at the OC fair for my sister's third miscarriage from too much medication. Here’s a casket with my first kiss throat bloated and his mother tells me he was a good boy. Here’s me and my brother praying in the corner after closing time because if the guy dies, he’s going in for life and I will drive him to Mexico tonight if I have to. Here’s my father sent to war at nineteen because he couldn’t afford college. Here’s a pile of dead pitbulls. Here’s a genius talker silent, slit eyes on xanax and an old E because he will spend every day of his life working and ruining his body to be able to pay his rent. Here’s a blunt. Roll it up. Puff, puff, pass. Can you dumpster me some hope while you’re down there?"

I laughed until I cried and crowned Sam with the bunch of fake cherries I stole from Walgreens but he was so angry that he threw them right back in my face. I started to cry real salty tears and we had to go on a long walk by ourselves to hold each other together so tight and my hoodie got permanently salt stained from his acidic crying. In the end it seemed to dissipate into the putrid canal and fade out to more beer-burnt laughter because if we can't laugh what can we do. Just sit here looking into the glow of the liquor store sign and the flat grey smell of hot concrete which sucks up the echo of our hearts beating in that fast way it does when you've been crying for hours and your breath comes out in stilted little puffs. 

Anyway, we walked into the cinema and I asked a series of oblique questions to the bored teller whilst Sam pocketed $20 of candy, stuffing it into his frayed pockets and empty cup. It's not funny when I put red licorice rope down my top in the air conditioned dryness of the theatre, like a post-modern airplane cabin, but it will be in about half an hour when it sticks to my skin and I lift my breast to my mouth and chew the red off. 

We sit down to watch the film, legs splayed, draped over the seats in front, my dress rides up. Robert Downey Jnr is drunk. Remember when you lived next door to his condo in Venice when he was all in rehab and shit, all fat and sad? 

I blink. Open my eyes, look at Sam. Everything is green and swamp like, we are in a swamp looking up through the murky water. He gives me a smile. 

We stare at the vast ugliness of the barren landscape on the screen, made sinister by the Super 8 realisation that the girl is going to die. Oakland, a lake, it's the 80s and someone is going to die. My thoughts turned to clearcutting, global warming and environmental degradation, and when I look up, the screen is bubbling, closing out and in.  It's too much, the obvious casualty and ambiguity. Sam slides off his seat and I follow. We retreat further under the seats into a plush cave like a stop motion pillow fort and I am pulling his vest around me and sitting between his legs. 'You know, they never caught the Zodiac killer'. Did I know that before watching the fucking movie? The screen is useless now, covered in vines from the pond the girl swam in before she got killed. The dialogue is also now in some unknown language of 1983, filtered through muddy salt water and licorice broth. 

TOBECONTINUED

I'd appreciate opinions on this

I am not pleading when I said I can't forget.

PART 1:

What you can't see in this picture is that it was taken about five months after we all met and later that night I'd slowly peel back pages of sun-crisped Life magazines left on the dresser and oh my god the silence makes me scared of murderers.

Do you remember that time I took acid with Mike's friend Sam in the cinema for no reason?

Wandering around the West Side in sun-cracked sandals and a way-too-small pastel colored quincenera dress I found snagged on the flagpole outside rite-aid. You were late for work but let me climb in the back of your car to pull my old clothes off. That dress smelled musty and faintly of a young girl's sweat.

I loved walking up Venice to Lincoln and then all the way into Santa Monica. You drove off and everything about you was made of American Spirit smoke, transitory, and I start that walk past three hundred thousand mexican corner stores and like three places I used to work but got fired from. 

Venice intersects Lincoln right here, too, Lincoln is wider with no place for bikes to ride and ambiguous strange sex shops marching up and down in barred-window houses painted the color of conversation hearts, (none of the tiny grass yards of Venice here) and then taco shops, too, on their concrete aprons, those places actually look delicious, like I might get a taco there someday.

I walk all golden, I walk in rhyme. A green lowrider passes me and the papis shout out the window to me "HEY MAMACITA CHECK THAT JUNK". I smile up into the sun and dust got on the tip of my tongue.

I stop to talk to the two drifter kids who sit near Rose and Lincoln sometimes, begging. They are so beautiful with their shaved heads and her over-sized clothes and long gazelle legs smudged with dirt and sand. They might go live on the abandoned trailer park in Topanga Canyon and take pcp and mescaline all day with the kids there. He sings 'mama you've been on my mind' in my ear, I laugh, give them three bucks and walk off, still tasting the sun-faded dust and in love with the way it covers my skin in a layer of pollution that only in Los Angeles could seem comforting and organic.

And all of sudden I passed into Santa Monica with the greener sidewalk grass and the nicer street signs and the fresh smell of the ocean mixing with the sweetness of affluence. Remember when me and Alex were driving some girls we worked with home to Torrance, and a guy was getting arrested and beaten down on the road and Maria said "hey look they've arrested the last black man in Santa Monica" and I laughed so hard I cried and then the crying turned into rage.

I weave in between rich kids, workers and tourists on Third Street and cross myself when I pass that homeless lady in whose eyes I can see myself, slipping her a quarter as a protection. 

He is bemoaning the fact that Mike doesn't love him, or men. "He doesn't love me anymore how could this happen. I'm a little bit horny but I feel alright". This is so bittersweet and hilarious for me to hear because I was so in love with Mike for those short two months as well. Those boys that are all over Los Angeles I say. Ignore them. If they have gold/green/yellow-brown or orange eyes and say "yeah I'm originally from Minnesota/Connecticut/Nebraska/Kentucky" just run sweetheart, or you will die in those beautiful transplanted eyes or the soft white shirts they all wear. We can only be with natives who have been nuclear burnt inside as long as we have. 

Haha, I forgot that we decided to see Zodiac. We stood outside smoking flaunting the ban and Sam being stared at by Midwestern tourists for his white sun bleached dreads and golden bare chest except for that fringed vest I always coveted. Sam told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and I did and I secretly wanted him to kiss me even though he only likes boys. But he put his face very close to my ear and breathed on it so all the tiny blonde hairs on my face pricked up and when my knees were about to give out he slipped the tab between my lips. 

TOBECONTINUED

It was like Vesuvius

"I read in Hygieia we should not hide our blood in shame and told my girlfriend about it. She agreed it was feminist for us not to hide our blood in shame"

1973

 

Thirteen women gathered in a friend's home to stage the first ever “Bleed-In.” The organizers, Janice Delaney, Mary Jane Lupton, and Emily Toth, decided they required a uniquely feminine ritual to stimulate their joint writing of a history of the culture of menstruation. The women shared stories of their first periods, viewed “educational films” from two menstrual product makers, and scrawled “menstrual graffiti” on a piece of paper attached to the bathroom wall.

This sounds kind of gross right? But think about the time you have shared with your sisters discussing period or lying on the floor groaning under a table in your English A2 classes. That time when the biggest bitch JAP in your sixth form took too much methanafemic acid for her cramps and tripped out in the nurses office. She took all her clothes off, shouting how hot and burny she was then threw her tights at the nurse. You sat with her for 2 hours and talked her down from a fever and an intense trip because face it you were the only one in that entire place who had dropped acid and talked to a malign female God about why I feel so goddamned typical in nourishing my inner aspect with the souls of other men.

I must be the patron saint of sad women I swear to God. I've spent a lot of my life bringing women to their voices, giving them the strength they need to confront the inequality of the day to day feelings we have and the immense spiritual pain Eve bestowed on us. I coach them on their lines and lives in bathrooms of clubs when everyone is fucked on E, and under full moons when their babies are in the back of their pickup trucks and all I wanted was a ride home from the club to see my curly haired man.

I try to bring out the bitch in you, I rouse the serpent in you. 

It probably started when I was just a little girl and my babysitter would sit down next to me on the couch "He doesn't love me." She'd say in the most needy, desperately sad voice and my little body would freeze up. I'd nod and listen, keeping my eyes on the television because I couldn't stand to see her soul fear. I couldn't stand to see myself reflected in the conquered irises. I didn't understand it consciously, but that's when I started paying attention. That's when I began my life-long learning that men were hurting women and women were letting it happen. That's probably when I lost my faith in true-love and lifted myself up from the stone bed in the forest to go off with the wild animals. I kissed myself out that deadly sleep, stretched my legs, and went running until my feet were hooves and all the night creatures knew my name. (My prince charming has come many times for me though, and sometimes come inside me)

Sometimes, it isn't so noble. Sometimes I fuck up, but even then some kind of strange black magic happens. I become an unlikely superhero. I get caught red-handed sleeping with their boyfriends only to offer them that blood to build new selves with. (This has never actually happened, actually, except when I am in dreamstate).

If you want to drink with me, we might play  on repeat all night in a dive-bar red-lit from cheap jukebox and the eyes of hungry guys that you will not fuck tonight leaning against the bathroom wall because you are mine. If you want to cry with me, we will do it in that old cemetery at night near my father's house with  a half gone bottle of Lambrusco and lonely Nina Simone on a portable phonograph.

I'm the saddest woman you've ever known when you want me to be, when I realize the shared  soul is the eternal. 

Like most saviors, I haunt secret places and I die from the stigmata of their sins and their refusal to face their own skipping song and lift the needle. I live in the shadow of their big safe show and I disappear in their inability to save their own lives. 

Can you believe they never thank me?

I will say your name before I sink Poseidon, I have a sweet tooth for you.

Lose yourself in fucking, bouncing off of each other's fingertips in an early morning darkness. Then a door will open and you will see the garden.

Kierkegaard said 'the most common form of despair is not being who you are'. I'm really glad that I know who I am right now. 

This is me:

This is also me:

SIMALCRUM

I enrolled in clinical trials for depression. I have to pretend to be depressed so some doctors pay me to take pharmaceuticals, but as I am actually depressed in real life this starts to turn into a meta-reality, a postmodern, pseudo-authentic, Baudrillardian simulacra of depression which is, ironically, real. How depressed must I profess to be? Real depressed or fake depressed? Which will earn me more money? I have started getting phone calls asking me if I have considered suicide or harming myself in the last seven days. Despite being made by a robot, the concern expressed makes me feel relatively loved.

I am playing a show tomorrow. This is exciting and terrifying, as it's the first time I've played with someone else since I left my soulmates in New York. Reflective and reflexive. 

Should I write lyrics? Inadequacy and expectations. 

Hahahahahahahaha, I can only write about deer now anyway. 

I'm in the way, am I in the way?

I see you singing the animals to sleep, and I know, by the way, it's over without you. 

I'm in the way, am I in the way?

When you talk can I tape you?

Someone outside is screaming FUCK OFF OH JUST FUCK OFF. I can hear everything from my room which overlooks the entrance of my halls; lovers' quarrels included. A girl, slams the door. I make up the minutiae of their nights and write it on paper that later I will make into boats and sail across the puddles that form by the library. If I honour this external heartache properly then it will never happen to me. I like you. 

I only wanted what everyone wanted.

Whilst living in (dear, beloved) Il Corral, during my metamorphosis, I read and read and read. Our walls were covered in bookshelves and masses of books from the 1954 Journal of Psychiatric Health to Herman Hesse to Coping with Abandonment. Christie and Stane's End of the World Bookshop that lined our beautiful hallway/kitchen/creatingspace/arthole  was a womb for me for so long. 

I'll be unable not to write more about Il Corral in the future, no doubt. But now I was thinking of something specific I have been thinking.

Oh yeah, fuck Kerouac. In the End of the World I read Kerouac (white man has adventures, shit talks women). I read Into the Wild (white man writes about other white man's stupid adventures). I read Jack London (white man has adventures, makes up a lot of bullshit about the North, refuses to put any female characters in his stories except one who gets 'hysteria' and dies). What else? 

These books somehow inherently angered a part of me that itches, and I've begun to explore why. 

I’m angry at the writers of the beat generation, white men who said “fuck it all” and set off to be free. Leaving behind families, of course. Wives who had to raise children all by themselves, whose lives and raw complex emotions may have made a better story. And all the copycats who came after them, falling away through the decades. Wealthy, able bodied young white man rejects privilege, has adventure. I see it all the time. I read it all the time. Am I bitter because I've loved them? Am I that hysterical girl who dies in the frozen gas station carpark outside of Arizona because I am not good enough for my sweet wandering prince?

Or is it that the magical white manchild is such a useful escapist mechanism, writing about him doesn't involve encumbering the listener with real world oppression that makes you retch hot vomit it is so unjust and the burning disparate desperation associated with women, people of colour, natives, who have to leave and never look back. Who can never return. 

I keep writing, and what itches me is this- Who gives a fuck about my story? 

God I’m such an asshole.
Heavenly father, my ego is flagging.

Truth is, in the cold light of 2.44am I feel like the beat poet runaway-and-be-free god-the-road-is-crazy let-me-tellyou-about-this-one-time horse has been beat to death for about fifty years now. That’s how I feel.
And I feel like my stories are just stories and I can't contain my disappointment.

Chere.

I've really missed platonic intimacy; sometimes I fantasize about when we were young and we all got in your bed and made a strong sisterbrother circle, and laughed and were all subconsciously aware of each other's bodies. Sometimes we were tripping and the red string you hung from your ceiling became malevolent but our youth conquered it.

I think I strive to replicate this and it does happen these days and BANG I feel content, but then oh oh oh oh self aware. Someone turned to me in surprise the other day and postulated that self awareness is a good thing. Baby it is, but sometimes I just need to be carried by friends of friends.

I think about this a lot after the times when your underwire radio comes over my international airwaves, and we make big ethanol cloud plans of collectives in cottages by the water. I still don't know what is permanent, but what's a wolf without a pack? Sister wolves. When we have our babies our families will be big and people will always be together and family members touch each other and say I love you, unconditionally yours. Is this why we crave the touch of strangers? Our daughters will know these things.